For many, saying, “No,” is one of the most difficult things. You may not think of yourself as a yes man or woman, but really think about the last time you said a straightforward no. Helping others and avoiding conflict has a place, but so does assertive communication. In this blog, we discuss the value of assertive communication as well as when, where, and how to say no.
Why Saying No Is Hard
There are myriad reasons people struggle to say no, but some of the most common include:
Fear of disappointing or hurting others.
Desire to avoid conflict.
People-pleasing tendencies.
Cultural expectations or familial traditions.
What Is Assertive Communication?
While the emotions that make saying no difficult are completely valid, consistently saying yes when you don’t want to can lead to lowered self-esteem, compromised values, and reduced quality of relationships. If communication styles exist on a spectrum between passive “yes man” communication and aggressive speech that borders on disrespectful, assertive communication would fall in the middle. Assertiveness empowers you to advocate for yourself without undermining your relationships or being disrespectful.
The Benefits of Saying No Assertively
Learning to say no can feel uncomfortable at first, but the rewards of speaking assertively and setting boundaries are worth the temporary discomfort. Some of the many benefits of using assertive communication include:
Improved self-respect as you reinforce your own values and priorities.
More authentic relationships allowing people get to know the real you.
Better time and energy management as you’ll free up time for what matters when you say no to extraneous responsibilities and obligations.
Reduced stress by decreasing obligations.
Greater confidence as you learn to assert yourself and feel empowered.
Practical Steps to Saying No Assertively
You don’t need to be confrontational or aggressive to be assertive. It’s possible to say no kindly, clearly, and calmly. Here are some strategies for developing a more assertive communication style:
1. Be Direct and Honest
It’s okay to be straightforward. A simple, “No, I can’t take that on right now” is enough. Avoid over-explaining or making excuses. You’re allowed to say no without justifying it extensively.
Examples:
“It means a lot that you thought of me, but I’m need to pass.”
“I won’t be able to help with that at this time.”
2. Use “I” Statements
Framing your refusal with “I” statements makes your response about your needs, not about blaming, shaming, or ostracizing the other person.
Examples:
“I’m prioritizing spending time with my family this weekend.”
“I need to focus on my current commitments.”
3. Delay if Needed
If you feel pressured or uncomfortable saying no in the moment, it’s okay to take a pause before responding. This gives you time to evaluate whether saying yes aligns with your goals or values.
Examples:
“Let me check my calendar and get back to you.”
“I need to think about it. When do you need an answer?”
4. Offer an Alternative (When Appropriate)
You don’t have to, but sometimes offering another form of support can soften the no.
Examples:
“I’m not available to volunteer next weekend, but I can donate supplies.”
“I can’t take on the project with my current commitments, but I can recommend someone.”
5. Stand Firm, Even If Pressured
Some people may push back, especially if they’re used to you saying yes or not backing your boundaries. Stay calm, repeat your boundaries, and don’t waver under pressure. Over time, people will learn to respect your limits.
Examples:
“I understand this is important to you, but I have to say no.”
“I hear your concerns, but my answer remains the same.”
Dealing With the Guilt of Saying No
Guilt is one of the biggest barriers to assertiveness. You might feel selfish for turning someone down. You can’t pour from an empty cup. It’s important to learn to protect your time and energy. If you experience guilt when saying no, consider the following strategies for reducing anxiety related to assertive communication:
Reframe your thinking – saying no doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a person who knows their limits.
Practice self-compassion – remind yourself that it’s okay to prioritize your needs.
Start small – practice saying no in low-stakes situations to build confidence.
Remember your “why” – focus on your reasons for saying no like prioritizing your mental health, relationships, and goals.
Be Assertive with the Support of a Therapist
Learning how to say no is a journey that takes practice and patience. You may feel awkward at first, but each time you set a healthy boundary, you take another step toward living authentically. For some, overcoming guilt and changing passive communication styles is more difficult. Therapy helps many communicate more assertively. If you’re interested in learning more, contact Lotus Psychology Group at (248) 957-8973, email info@lotuspsychgroup.com, or complete our scheduling request form.